All These Stars...

Going through some of my old poetry today, I stumbled upon a poem I wrote back in November of 2004 titled "Dark Side of the Moon." I being 19 at the time, most of my poetry was written about one of two things--struggling with clinical depression and/or a guy. This one poem was bit about both and I ended the last verse with the idea that I was "living on the dark side of the moon." It isn't a very good poem, but there are three lines that stick with me and occasionally pop into my head.
"In my heart there's plenty of room
For all the pain you've started
To sprout up and begin to bloom"

I like those lines--not the thought behind them, but the flow of the lines themselves. Because of how much I like them, I revised them today into something I like even more.
"In my heart there's plenty of room
For all the love you've planted
To sprout up and begin to bloom"

Today I shared on Facebook that I have been revisiting and processing some of the painful and lonely things I've been through in the past few years. I can do this because I'm in a stable place of love and joy now. I have learned how to love on people and let them love me back. I've learned to focus on what I am blessed with in life rather than what I lack. I've learned that laughter and the deliberate decision to focus on things that bring me joy rather than on dwelling in my pain can be the best medicine to heal my heart and mind. I've learned that joyfulness is a chosen state of being.

If I could go back and share these things with 19 year old me, I would. I would tell 19 year old me that, even if I feel like I'm "living on the dark side of the moon," I'm not living in pitch blackness--I'm living beneath a gorgeous sky full of stars. In other words, even if I'm in pain and struggle with depression, the love and blessings that surround me far out number the things that hurt. Knowing how I was at 19 (and how stubborn I am in general!), I would probably just wave it off and do things my way, and that's okay. What matters is that I'm here now. And I'm definitely soaking up the light and beauty of all these stars. :)

Heart Tantrums and Brain Conundrums...

There are times when I long for what I can't have. I'm not referring to the type of longing I have for my dream car--which, by the way, is a 2012 Dodge Challenger R/T model, satin black paint exterior with custom wine colored velvet interior seating... yeah, its super hot... okay, back to what I was talking about to begin with. This longing is a matter specifically of the heart. Lately, I've been finding my heart throwing little tantrums now and then because it can't--for multiple reasons--be in a romantic relationship with someone else's heart. I don't know if I'm the only one with this problem (though I doubt that I am), but I am getting pretty tired of this tug-o-war process between my logic and sentiment. I am generally a "heart over head" person (meaning that I usually make decisions based on my emotions over my logic). Because of this, I am having a particularly difficult time convincing my silly heart that it is in the wrong due to the facts that using reason to override emotion doesn't work very often for me and it can be an emotionally taxing process.
All these various feelings have stirred up some questions I've had going through my head the past couple of years. As a graduate student, a photographer-business woman, a community volunteer, and a person with responsibilities to friends and family, how am I ever going to have the time for a real "love life?"  I know people say "when it is supposed to happen, it will just happen," but what if I'm too busy to notice it happening? LOL. I laugh at that worry, but I'm being serious too. Knowing me (this is my heart talking now, ignore any sudden hissy fits!), I could just completely talk myself out of pursuing a romantic connection with someone with the logic that I (or that other person) don't have time--that focusing on school and career is the priority right now. What if I talk myself out of taking a risk that could lead to a really joyful, loving relationship? And why on earth do I see romance and grad school/career as mutually exclusive? There has to be a happy medium somewhere. There really does. And I really do need to find it. If I was a person who could just focus solely on my scholastic or entrepreneurial endeavors, I would do it in a heart beat! But clearly that isn't working for me... My brain desires my full attention to be directed toward these efforts, but I'm a "heart over head" person, right? While I am admittedly a history nerd and bibliophile, my books aren't going to love me back (haha!). I need affection... and love... and SNUGGLES! (Brain: OK, Heart... you can shut up now!) All and all, I think I feel like this:

Hahahaha! Anyway, this blog post, as with my conundrum, has no official conclusion--no thesis that has been proven. I haven't answered my questions and I don't think I will anytime soon. I just needed to write it all out of my system, I guess.

In Times of Change: The Wilderness

Sometimes God takes me through a wilderness. I find myself in a wilderness now. It isn't a terribly painful wilderness like previous trips have been, but it is a lonely one. I started thinking about how many people I know who are going through their own wildernesses spiritually and emotionally. Suddenly, I realized that, while the wilderness can be lonely, I am far from alone. Aside from Christ walking beside me, I have many brothers and sisters in Him who are walking through this wilderness too. We're not necessarily walking together all the time, but sometimes we stop and lean on each other or yell an encouragement to each other when we come across each other in the Desert of Change and Healing.
Two summers ago I went through a wilderness much more severe than this one. I was leaving APU and striking out on my own in the O.C. On top of that, my family was going through some very tough times and I was healing from a romance that ended painfully. That summer was stressful. That summer was lonely. But that summer, God gave me a gift. One day after work, I walked into the prayer chapel at Azusa Pacific to pray and listen for God's voice. In the big bible that was left open for students to use and write notes in, I turned to Isaiah 55. I didn't know what was in that chapter, so I feel that God directed me there. Verses 8 through 13 really stood out to me. This is what it says:

Isaiah 55:8-13
New American Standard Bible (NASB)


8 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD.
9 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
10 “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
And do not return there without watering the earth
And making it bear and sprout,
And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater;
11 So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth;
It will not return to Me empty,
Without accomplishing what I desire,
And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.
12 “For you will go out with joy
And be led forth with peace;
The mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you,
And all the trees of the field will clap their hands.
13 “Instead of the thorn bush the cypress will come up,
And instead of the nettle the myrtle will come up,
And [a] it will be a [b] memorial to the LORD,
For an everlasting sign which will not be cut off.”

Footnotes:

1. Isaiah 55:13 I.e. the transformation of the desert
2. Isaiah 55:13 Lit name

WOW! Did you get that? There is SO much packed in there! First, God reminded me that HE was in control and that HE had a plan. He very clearly told me, just as He told Israel, that He did not send things out without letting them prosper! There is NO sowing without a harvest when it comes to His work and His plan for us! On top of that, God EXCLAIMED that He would send me where He wanted me with joy and peace in my heart! It was a promise. Lastly, when I re-examined this verse tonight, I learned something new. Did you see footnote a? "And [the transformation of the desert] will be [named] a memorial to the Lord!" The transformation of my desert? Of my wilderness? You can use that for your glory, God?
YES! He can. He does. And He will. Praise the LORD!

Let Me Be

Where I am now spiritually and emotionally... Broken and lonely, but trusting God to heal and fill the emptiness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LET ME BE

Here I am again
Sitting here all alone
He won’t look my way
He won’t pick up the phone
And it breaks my heart
To have lost such a friend
These things crumble apart in the end

Yet I know that the reasons I’m here
Are for all the right reasons
You’ve made that much clear
And Lord, as you pick up the pieces of me
I hear you suggest that I should let me be
Lonely

Starting over
Isn’t easy at all
All the noise in life
Seeps through these walls
My thoughts churn
And frustration begins
Over all of this clatter within

Yet I know that the reasons I’m here
Are for all the right reasons
You’ve made that much clear
And Father, as we commune in private
I hear you suggest that I should let me be
Quiet

There is healing here
Though I’ve yet to learn why
All my questions
Lord, I don’t mean to pry
I know that I must trust in your plan
Though I confess to not understand

Yet I know that the reasons I’m here
Are for all the right reasons
You’ve made that much clear
And Lord, as you repair this heart that you’ve woven
I hear you suggest that I should let me be
Broken


Copyright DAS, 2011