Running Ahead...

Rushing. I am always rushing. Not in the sense that I find myself speeding through everything I do on a day to day basis... not always, at least. Rather, I've found myself running ahead of God again! I'm like a toddler who is so overjoyed with the fact that I can run and the pleasure I find in the speed that I don't pay attention to where I'm going! I find myself running about, trying to find loop holes to get what I want when I know full well that the Lord will provide in his own time. And, while I tend to do this with many things, I am specifically trying to put the brakes on again mid-sprint in regards to dating. Don't get me wrong. I don't think that I'm supposed to go back to my dating sabbatical. I just needn't preoccupy myself with finding romantic companionship. A dating site I was using quotes Psalm 37: 4 as it's motto: "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." I love that verse, but I think for my purposes, it doesn't apply to on-line dating. I took it for granted at first that being a Christian automatically meant I was delighting myself in the Lord and, therefore, if I sought after what I wanted in a godly way (aka via a Christian dating site), it would be given to me this time. The problem was that I had no idea what "delight in the Lord" actually meant. I found this in the Barnes' Bible commentary:

The meaning here is, that we should seek our happiness in God - in his being, his perfections, his friendship, his love.And he shall give thee the desires of thine heart - literally, the "askings," or the "requests" of thy heart. What you really "desire" will be granted to you. That is,
(a) the fact that you seek your happiness in him will regulate your desires, so that you will be "disposed" to ask only those things which it will be proper for him to grant; and
(b) the fact that you do find your happiness in him will be a reason why he will grant your desires.

See, the trouble with using just this one verse it that it totally leaves out the greater meaning of that text... 
4Delight yourself in the LORD;

         And He will give you the desires of your heart.

5Commit your way to the LORD,
         Trust also in Him, and He will do it.

6He will bring forth your righteousness as the light
         And your judgment as the noonday.

7Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him;

What I get out of this text is completely different than that dating website's interpretation.  The while text in context suggests patience and trusting that God has perfect timing. Is it the easy answer most people want?  Nope.  Is it the easy answer little impatient me wants?  Not right now!  But I know that if I just wait on my Father in Heaven,  that His timing is perfect.  And,  honestly , I'm willing to wait to experience a "match made in heaven." :)

Hatred and Healing...

I've recently come to a realization: I hate someone. A very specific someone. A man who hurt me several years ago in many ways--hurt me so badly that I am still healing (and perhaps now just starting to deal with a considerably larger portion of the pain than before). I'm not going to talk about him and what he did to hurt me so deeply, but I have been struggling with this idea that I hate someone. As a Christian (and a person who desires to be an emotionally healthy being in general), I understand that hating someone is damaging to myself emotionally and mentally in the long term. Hate is something scripture tells us not to do.  There are no advantages spiritually,  emotionally,  or psychology to my hating of this man…  I just do. There is no logic that can talk me out of it. Where do I go with that as a person who wants to be able to share the message of hope and freedom that love brings?  How can I be such a hypocrite?  This is something I am struggling with and I don't really have an answer.  I guess I just hope that my desire to end the hate (though not necessarily all the anger,  for some of that anger could be termed a "righteous anger!") is a step in the right direction toward healing and letting go…

Upon a Night I Couldn't Sleep...

I'm exhausted, but my mind is busy thinking and won't "wind down" for the night yet, so I've decided to put this to good use and blog.
In September, I wrote about my desires to be in a romantic relationship. In December, I finally got fed up with chasing after a relationship that I thought I wanted and realized wasn't what God wanted for me. So I asked God to take away my "need" (or, rather, my nagging desire) to be in a romantic relationship. I asked Him to help me be happy with where HE has me right now.

Photo by Dani Stephan

Last week I realized something when I was writing to a friend... God DID it! I'm there in that satisfied place in life. While society has no problem trying to shove the idea down my throat that I need to be coupled up with someone to be happy, I am truly happy and single! Even better than being happy, I am full of JOY and contentment. I know that I am completely where God wants me to be and doing what He has planned for me right now. I am so excited about that! I can't even begin to describe how at peace I am about it. Oh, I'm still stressed with school and my crazy schedule and such, but I'm not worried about my relationships or where God is going to take me later in life.
Also, remember what I wrote in July? I felt I had entered a time of "wandering" through a personal "wilderness." My heart was hurting, I was lonely, and I lacked a connection to community. In less than 6 months, because I listened to the Lord and got involved in my communities (scholastic, spiritual, and local), my life is SO incredibly full! I am now in a situation where I regularly get to give God's and my love to people AND I get love back. I have found true friendships and had time to create new ones. I am fully trusting Him with both my short and long term future and enjoying the people He has put in my life right now. It feels amazing to be able to give everything to Him and take (and enjoy!) each day as it comes.
God has truly transformed my wilderness! All I can say is "wow, God... Wow." :)