Heart Tantrums and Brain Conundrums...

There are times when I long for what I can't have. I'm not referring to the type of longing I have for my dream car--which, by the way, is a 2012 Dodge Challenger R/T model, satin black paint exterior with custom wine colored velvet interior seating... yeah, its super hot... okay, back to what I was talking about to begin with. This longing is a matter specifically of the heart. Lately, I've been finding my heart throwing little tantrums now and then because it can't--for multiple reasons--be in a romantic relationship with someone else's heart. I don't know if I'm the only one with this problem (though I doubt that I am), but I am getting pretty tired of this tug-o-war process between my logic and sentiment. I am generally a "heart over head" person (meaning that I usually make decisions based on my emotions over my logic). Because of this, I am having a particularly difficult time convincing my silly heart that it is in the wrong due to the facts that using reason to override emotion doesn't work very often for me and it can be an emotionally taxing process.
All these various feelings have stirred up some questions I've had going through my head the past couple of years. As a graduate student, a photographer-business woman, a community volunteer, and a person with responsibilities to friends and family, how am I ever going to have the time for a real "love life?"  I know people say "when it is supposed to happen, it will just happen," but what if I'm too busy to notice it happening? LOL. I laugh at that worry, but I'm being serious too. Knowing me (this is my heart talking now, ignore any sudden hissy fits!), I could just completely talk myself out of pursuing a romantic connection with someone with the logic that I (or that other person) don't have time--that focusing on school and career is the priority right now. What if I talk myself out of taking a risk that could lead to a really joyful, loving relationship? And why on earth do I see romance and grad school/career as mutually exclusive? There has to be a happy medium somewhere. There really does. And I really do need to find it. If I was a person who could just focus solely on my scholastic or entrepreneurial endeavors, I would do it in a heart beat! But clearly that isn't working for me... My brain desires my full attention to be directed toward these efforts, but I'm a "heart over head" person, right? While I am admittedly a history nerd and bibliophile, my books aren't going to love me back (haha!). I need affection... and love... and SNUGGLES! (Brain: OK, Heart... you can shut up now!) All and all, I think I feel like this:

Hahahaha! Anyway, this blog post, as with my conundrum, has no official conclusion--no thesis that has been proven. I haven't answered my questions and I don't think I will anytime soon. I just needed to write it all out of my system, I guess.

In Times of Change: The Wilderness

Sometimes God takes me through a wilderness. I find myself in a wilderness now. It isn't a terribly painful wilderness like previous trips have been, but it is a lonely one. I started thinking about how many people I know who are going through their own wildernesses spiritually and emotionally. Suddenly, I realized that, while the wilderness can be lonely, I am far from alone. Aside from Christ walking beside me, I have many brothers and sisters in Him who are walking through this wilderness too. We're not necessarily walking together all the time, but sometimes we stop and lean on each other or yell an encouragement to each other when we come across each other in the Desert of Change and Healing.
Two summers ago I went through a wilderness much more severe than this one. I was leaving APU and striking out on my own in the O.C. On top of that, my family was going through some very tough times and I was healing from a romance that ended painfully. That summer was stressful. That summer was lonely. But that summer, God gave me a gift. One day after work, I walked into the prayer chapel at Azusa Pacific to pray and listen for God's voice. In the big bible that was left open for students to use and write notes in, I turned to Isaiah 55. I didn't know what was in that chapter, so I feel that God directed me there. Verses 8 through 13 really stood out to me. This is what it says:

Isaiah 55:8-13
New American Standard Bible (NASB)


8 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD.
9 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
10 “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
And do not return there without watering the earth
And making it bear and sprout,
And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater;
11 So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth;
It will not return to Me empty,
Without accomplishing what I desire,
And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.
12 “For you will go out with joy
And be led forth with peace;
The mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you,
And all the trees of the field will clap their hands.
13 “Instead of the thorn bush the cypress will come up,
And instead of the nettle the myrtle will come up,
And [a] it will be a [b] memorial to the LORD,
For an everlasting sign which will not be cut off.”

Footnotes:

1. Isaiah 55:13 I.e. the transformation of the desert
2. Isaiah 55:13 Lit name

WOW! Did you get that? There is SO much packed in there! First, God reminded me that HE was in control and that HE had a plan. He very clearly told me, just as He told Israel, that He did not send things out without letting them prosper! There is NO sowing without a harvest when it comes to His work and His plan for us! On top of that, God EXCLAIMED that He would send me where He wanted me with joy and peace in my heart! It was a promise. Lastly, when I re-examined this verse tonight, I learned something new. Did you see footnote a? "And [the transformation of the desert] will be [named] a memorial to the Lord!" The transformation of my desert? Of my wilderness? You can use that for your glory, God?
YES! He can. He does. And He will. Praise the LORD!

Let Me Be

Where I am now spiritually and emotionally... Broken and lonely, but trusting God to heal and fill the emptiness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LET ME BE

Here I am again
Sitting here all alone
He won’t look my way
He won’t pick up the phone
And it breaks my heart
To have lost such a friend
These things crumble apart in the end

Yet I know that the reasons I’m here
Are for all the right reasons
You’ve made that much clear
And Lord, as you pick up the pieces of me
I hear you suggest that I should let me be
Lonely

Starting over
Isn’t easy at all
All the noise in life
Seeps through these walls
My thoughts churn
And frustration begins
Over all of this clatter within

Yet I know that the reasons I’m here
Are for all the right reasons
You’ve made that much clear
And Father, as we commune in private
I hear you suggest that I should let me be
Quiet

There is healing here
Though I’ve yet to learn why
All my questions
Lord, I don’t mean to pry
I know that I must trust in your plan
Though I confess to not understand

Yet I know that the reasons I’m here
Are for all the right reasons
You’ve made that much clear
And Lord, as you repair this heart that you’ve woven
I hear you suggest that I should let me be
Broken


Copyright DAS, 2011

Le Coquelicot

I just opened up a store online at Etsy.com! I've recently begun designing jewelry and accessories. Check out my store! :)  ~Le Coquelicot~ Creations by Dani



My recent creations have been the newly popular bib necklaces! Below are three that I have made thus far.  :)

 Champagne Victorian

Magnificent Monochrome

Vintage Buttons and Lace

OC Experiences...

Apparently driving in the OC can be quite dangerous even just on side streets... Not because of cars, but because of huge tumbleweeds. Name of the cross street where I almost hit one? Hazard. Hahahahaha!

Driving through Garden Grove on the same trip home, I came across a church called Orange Korean Lutheran Church. I cracked up laughing! How incredibly exclusive! Why must one be Lutheran, Korean, AND orange to attend? ;) hahaha

Historically Brunette...

My Legally Blonde moment today, which I have renamed for the title of the blog... I feel like I should get big kudos for giving such a air head, yet intelligent answer... hahaha.

Class discussion board question: The last few weeks, we have discussed and argued what exactly is modernism. This week, we begin to read about post-modernism, and I feel I am just as confused as before. Powell gives a brief definition of what is modernism and how it is different from post-modernism. Can we agree that this is an acceptable definition or is there still something missing? Feel free to discuss any questions or ideas about post-modernism.

My answer: Today I was walking around in the mall and thinking about all the stores I like to shop in when I realized something. I have several different styles that I enjoy: artsy/bohemian, professional dress, casual prep, even some punk and goth! I actually thought to myself, "There's not a specific definition of style to how I dress. I'm just a post-modern woman!" I think this realization made me understand a bit more about what Powell was saying in the book about the lack of structure in post-modernism and particularly about the idea of appreciating the process of art as much or more than the final product of the artist's efforts. Obviously I'm not saying that post-modernism is like my shopping habits (haha), but I think the eclecticism and the elasticity of the concept of post-modernism came through to me a bit better through my trip to the mall.
I think for myself I see some big differences between modernism and post-modernism, but these are more from an art and literary point of view. It seems to me that with post-modernism, it is so fluid that almost anything goes. I am a little confused on how this directly applies to history. Does anything go as far has historical theory is concerned? It doesn't seem the case to me.

Saturday Sabbath Keeping Inter-Denominational?

While the ice cream truck is wandering through the neighborhood playing Silent Night (in October!) and a lovely little breeze is wafting in through my window, I have been pondering over a few things and decided to blog about them. Over the last couple of years or so I have been having some trouble "defining" my doctrinal beliefs. I'm still doing some soul searching, Biblical research, and praying, but so far I've realized that I don't fit into a denomination. Obviously, I believe in the common Christian dogma as stated in the Nicene Creed. Aside from that, a lot of my beliefs were shaped from my Adventist up bringing... so basically I have decided that (though I am still having some trouble with the creation debates and am praying and studying on them) I agree with SDA beliefs with some exceptions (which I think might make me non-SDA, but I'm not sure... lol!). Here is how I explained it in an e-mail to an SDA friend of mine:

For starters, I love my Saturday Sabbath, but I'm not willing to argue with another Christian brother or sister because they go to church on Sunday. As much as I personally believe Saturday is the Sabbath, I think the most important thing is that a person is keeping a day set aside to spend with the Lord. I certainly don't believe it is a salvation issue. My non-SDA friends often ask me about why I go on Saturday rather than Sunday and I really don't mind explaining it to them, it's just not something I'm willing to argue about. I'm also not willing to argue about the state of the dead issue. As long as someone doesn't believe a dead person can look down upon us or communicate with us from heaven, I don't really think it's a big deal whether we "sleep" in the ground or go straight to heaven. I believe the traditional SDA way, but either way the first thing a person would see is Christ, so I'm not really worried about that either. The biggest thing God has put on my heart is the division between denominations. It breaks my heart and I think it breaks His as well. I feel it is my personal Christian calling to try to do my part to pull back the scattered Body of Christ into something a little more resembling a whole. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to do that yet or how big or little a part that will be in my life, but I know that arguing about non-dogma issues is certainly not the way to do it!

The things I think I have the most issues with have to do with the Remnant, Ellen White, and the 2300 day concept from 1844. First the Remnant... I think it is fine to believe that many Christians will go astray towards the end of time. What I have a problem with is the prevalent SDA idea that the Adventist church IS the Remnant. Even though it is not within the 28 Fundamental Beliefs, you won't believe just how many SDAs I've heard refer to the SDA church as the Remnant. I won't even bother to apologize for the fact that I think that is b.s. I don't think SDAs are not part of the Remnant. I just think that Remnant will certainly include other brothers and sisters in Christ as well. Secondly, I think Ellen G. White had many wonderful things to say and I do believe she was inspired by the Holy Spirit. However, I do not agree with the common (though, again, not found within the Fundamental Beliefs) conception that her writings are inerrant. I also hold issue with the over use of her writings. While she was obviously a very important person in the founding of the denomination, I find it upsetting when her words are often used, by lay persons and even some pastors, over biblical texts (or consistently right along side it). I think she would be appalled by how her writings are used by most SDAs. I also think the SDA church should bring in other Christian patriarchs and theologians when preaching and participating in Bible studies for a more rounded view (I mean, it's not like Christianity isn't almost 2000 years old! lol). Finally, I take issue with the concept of the 2300 prophetic days and 1844. This one is part of the 28 Fundamental Beliefs. I don't believe that through some amazing math, someone somehow came up with the magical number of 2300 after weeding through the Bible for significant number and that 1844 marked a specific time when Christ moved in to the Holy Sanctuary. The entire idea is pure speculation. I sort of feel how my brother does about the whole thing... Christ didn't come back as they predicted in 1844, so they had to come up with something else!

So that is pretty much it... I recently started calling myself a Saturday Sabbath-Keeping Inter-denominational. I love rock praise music, contemporary style (and I even raise my hands!), along with hymns and liturgy. There isn't a specific style that defines me. Oh, and I'm probably damned to hell because I like half a glass of Sauvignon Blanc with dinner a couple times a year. Hahaha.... See? I'm the anti-Christ and you probably shouldn't associate with me. LOL! ;)