There are times when I long for what I can't have. I'm not referring to the type of longing I have for my dream car--which, by the way, is a 2012 Dodge Challenger R/T model, satin black paint exterior with custom wine colored velvet interior seating... yeah, its super hot... okay, back to what I was talking about to begin with. This longing is a matter specifically of the heart. Lately, I've been finding my heart throwing little tantrums now and then because it can't--for multiple reasons--be in a romantic relationship with someone else's heart. I don't know if I'm the only one with this problem (though I doubt that I am), but I am getting pretty tired of this tug-o-war process between my logic and sentiment. I am generally a "heart over head" person (meaning that I usually make decisions based on my emotions over my logic). Because of this, I am having a particularly difficult time convincing my silly heart that it is in the wrong due to the facts that using reason to override emotion doesn't work very often for me and it can be an emotionally taxing process.All these various feelings have stirred up some questions I've had going through my head the past couple of years. As a graduate student, a photographer-business woman, a community volunteer, and a person with responsibilities to friends and family, how am I ever going to have the time for a real "love life?" I know people say "when it is supposed to happen, it will just happen," but what if I'm too busy to notice it happening? LOL. I laugh at that worry, but I'm being serious too. Knowing me (this is my heart talking now, ignore any sudden hissy fits!), I could just completely talk myself out of pursuing a romantic connection with someone with the logic that I (or that other person) don't have time--that focusing on school and career is the priority right now. What if I talk myself out of taking a risk that could lead to a really joyful, loving relationship? And why on earth do I see romance and grad school/career as mutually exclusive? There has to be a happy medium somewhere. There really does. And I really do need to find it. If I was a person who could just focus solely on my scholastic or entrepreneurial endeavors, I would do it in a heart beat! But clearly that isn't working for me... My brain desires my full attention to be directed toward these efforts, but I'm a "heart over head" person, right? While I am admittedly a history nerd and bibliophile, my books aren't going to love me back (haha!). I need affection... and love... and SNUGGLES! (Brain: OK, Heart... you can shut up now!) All and all, I think I feel like this:
Hahahaha! Anyway, this blog post, as with my conundrum, has no official conclusion--no thesis that has been proven. I haven't answered my questions and I don't think I will anytime soon. I just needed to write it all out of my system, I guess.